To Parents of Gay Youth: When Support Disappears, Risk Skyrockets

My nephew Davis Matthew, now three, was in my sister’s arms shortly after he was born when she made an oddly loving declaration regarding him. Standing next to my brother-in-law, who is a Marine reservist, an Iraq war veteran and a fairly conservative guy, she stressed “we’re okay if Davis is gay!” I can’t remember the context of the conversation and I know it was kind of a tongue-in-cheek moment, but she was serious, and to his credit my brother-in-law just shrugged and smiled.Coming to terms with the idea that one’s child is other than heterosexual can be monumentally difficult, and it’s not the mark of a homophobe or a bad parent to feel an actual sense of loss at the realization.  My friend Al Killen-Harvey, a clinical social worker and expert in this area, puts it brilliantly (hear the interview here) when he says that some parents, when they discover their child is gay, actually have to grieve.  He’s careful to point out that what’s being grieved for isn’t an actual loss (a gay kid is as much a blessing as a straight one) but a loss due to the heterosexually focused mindset that most of us grow up with. It might be religiously based, or it might be cultural. And it doesn’t always smack of bigotry either. There are many people who are friendly or neutral toward homosexuality, but still hope their kids are straight simply because it seems like the simpler and happier way to be. And perhaps they also know (or suspect) how difficult the life of a gay person can be.The bottom line is that it’s okay for a parent to be afraid, disappointed, even angry when a child presents as gay, questioning, or anywhere else on the spectrum other than straight. There are resources like PFLAG for parents going through that process.  When the truth reaches the parent, though, one thing is certain: If that parent loves his son or daughter, he (or she) will have to learn to respond somehow in a supportive way.  To succumb to anything else-regardless of the reason- is to risk that child’s health, happiness and life, in very real terms.It’s self-evident that bullying, even in a much more enlightened age than my own youth, is a serious issue for for gay, questioning or transgendered kids.  Thankfully, resources like Love Our Children's anti-bullying campaign exist to combat it better than ever.  Crime victimization is another real threat. Some assume “gay bashing” is the issue, and certainly cases like Matthew Shepard’s highlight this (as does the more recent case of a transgendered woman who was viciously beaten in Maryland). But oftentimes the victimization doesn’t come from violent homophobes, but rather much more subtle and skilled predators of varying sexual orientations.  A few gay people I know say that a homosexual, bi, or questioning teen’s worst threat is often an older gay counterpart, in terms of anything from contracting a STD to just being left broke and brokenhearted by an unscrupulous lover.But the risk to young gay people hardly ends with these two scenarios. What’s often overlooked but no less true is that criminals of all kinds will readily prey on gay kids, particularly when closeted.  This is simply because they are logical targets, and for any type of crime from fraud to assault to rape.  An adolescent with 1) less wherewithal, street smarts and survival skills and 2) a secret to keep, makes a great victim. Particularly if a predator can involve himself physically with the youth (and he doesn’t have to be homosexual to do so) then he has leverage over that victim and therefore a much lower risk of him or her reporting the crime to anyone. Successful predators aren’t all geniuses; they’re just remarkably observant and methodical.What’s worse is that all of these risks- from heartbreak to murder and suicide- increase dramatically when the emerging gay boy or girl is rejected or unsupported by the people he or she needs most. Throw away kids, runaways, even kids still living at home who feel as if their most natural protectors don’t care about them or worse?  These are potential victims that predators sense the way a shark smells blood in water.I understand completely that issues surrounding sexuality are difficult for some, particularly when cultural or religious influences play a part. I’m not about to judge how a good-hearted person views homosexuality given these strong and deep inferences. But those convictions, whatever they are, are very much beside the point when a kid’s well being is at stake. I don’t believe a parent has to fully embrace an orientation they feel strongly is disordered or negative in order to continue to love and support their child.  Whatever the proper balance is, it’s beyond my expertise to discuss.But I do have a career’s worth of expertise in victimization, and I know well how it works.  If you’re a parent, whatever your feelings are about homosexuality, whatever your religion commands of you, your reason dictates, your heart feels is true, know this: If you reject your child upon his coming out (in whatever form it takes) if you fail to shelter him, to love him, to protect him, you’ll put him (or her) at tremendous risk from a world that is remarkably cruel- surprisingly so to some who don’t see it as those in law enforcement do. Predators are everywhere.  When we give them a marginalized, isolated group of relatively defenseless people to victimize, we’re foolish or blind to believe they won’t.Trust me, a predator won’t give a damn about why you couldn’t bring yourself to love and support your child when you discovered he was gay. He’ll just take what he can from him and move merrily on. Don't make it easy for him to do so.