The invective that’s being hurled at Torry Hansen for returning her adopted son to Russia is sad, but mostly richly deserved. Cooler heads and kinder people than I am will reasonably resist a rush to judgment, of course. Caring for a child who has been raised in an institution, in a remarkably different culture, can’t be easy for anyone. And it could be that the boy, obviously through no fault of his own, has serious behavioral issues that simply overwhelmed this family, particularly the hapless Torry who apparently believes that “disannulled” is a word. (And yes, I understand that I’m a lawyer and perhaps shouldn’t pick on people who aren’t when it comes to quasi-legal writing. Regardless, she has an R.N. and access to a dictionary. If she’s going to officially abandon a child to a bureaucratic office 6000 miles away with a letter, she should at least have someone proofread the damn thing.)
Assuming the Hansen’s are being completely truthful (which the Russian government disputes) and the boy was exhibiting homicidal ideation and fire starting, the fact remains that he’s seven. Without resorting to abusive practices, he’s relatively easy to control physically, and he needs to be monitored- pretty much constantly- anyway. If the family was that exhausted by him, they had better have sought out every possible means of assistance before returning him like a pet who ended up damaging the carpet and exasperating the owners.
Regardless, there is no excuse- none- for putting a child on a 10-hour transatlantic flight and having him scooped up by some guy on the other side, paid $200 to drop him off at a ministry headquarters. I could care less how many “safety references” the Hansen’s claimed they gathered with regard to this courier. Canadian Press reports that he dropped the child off with his bags and the letter and promptly left. Everyone involved, most certainly this child, is lucky he didn’t disappear outside of the airport like smoke. Since a lawyer has now muzzled the family, we probably won’t know until an official inquest why Torry didn’t accompany the child back to Russia upon rejecting him. My guess is her reasons will involve all sorts of feelings of helplessness and failure that mask the fact that she really just didn’t want to go. Cost, and the uncertainty of how, exactly, the Russian government might react to her walking away from him surely gave her pause. Especially cost. So instead Nancy, the grandmother, accompanied him as far as Dulles. United Airlines and the hired stranger in one of the developed world’s more dangerous cities had to suffice from there.
What prompted me to write, though was less Torry Hansen’s grim and nihilistic response to this boy’s purported difficulties, and more her description of them. In the letter she wrote to explain her abandonment, she stated that he is “violent and has severe psychopathic issues/behaviors.” I don’t expect much from this person in terms of competent description anyway, but she is far, far out of bounds in using the term “psychopathic” in any context. From my work in New York State with civil management/commitment proceedings, I have a fair amount of lay experience with psychopathy. I have encountered, spoken with, and cross-examined psychopaths. The diagnostic term describes a terrifying and still only partially understood condition afflicting career criminals, serial killers, and the most repugnant and dangerous people, criminal or not, among us. At this point anyway, it is reserved almost exclusively for adults, with expanding research suggesting that it can be applied to adolescents. I’ve yet to see it applied to children as young as seven. I understand she’s attempting to describe behaviors in the letter, but the word “issues” is broader than “behaviors.” Certainly she’s at least suggesting the child is, in her mind at least, some sort of “budding psychopath,” another term that is tossed about far too much to describe troubled children. It’s obvious she used the word for shock value in an effort to underscore her faultlessness in abandoning him. The media is pushing these same unfair buttons also, with shocking headlines that focus on the boy’s “terrorizing” behavior, as noted in an excellent blog post by Martha Nichols.
The Hansen family’s response to this child’s troubles, whatever they truly are, has been destructive, selfish and cruel. It has further stoked existing tension between the two countries and threatened the entire process that has placed thousands of the over 700,000 children in Russia who are growing up without parents. Adoption of Russian children by Americans has resulted in some well-publicized horrific failures, but most, according the National Council for Adoption, are successful. But this family’s abandonment of one of them confirms the suspicions of many Russians that Americans view adoption from their country with a mentality best described as something between boutique shopping and the fate of an empty coffee cup.
© 2010, Roger Canaff. All rights reserved.
Well, most adoptive parents want a perfect child.
children who are ill mentally or physically make a zero chance of being adopted
Very good article, Roger. Having adopted a physically and mentally challenged child from here in the United States, I definately know how difficult it can be to handle such a child, but never, ever would I have taken the steps that this woman took. There are most definately a lot of resources out there that could have helped her, if she had asked, which she obviously didn’t. Saskia is correct in saying that many adoptive parents want a perfect child, which is one of the reasons that my husband and I specifically went looking for a special needs child, who might not be adopted otherwise. But we attempted to go into it with eyes wide open. I had the better part of 20 years experience working with mentally and physically challenged adults and children, and my husband grew up with cerebral palsy. Even in our search, we learned that many Russian orphans had issues with bonding and failure to thrive, so I would think that when this woman adopted the child, she would have been warned of this possibility, and informed of services available to help her, by any reputable adoption agency.
Thanks, Renae- I know you’re not asking for praise, but I have tremendous admiration and respect for loving couples who specifically seek to provide homes to kids with special needs. Most parents do want what they assume will be “perfect” children, and while the adoption of any child in appropriate circumstances is laudable, seeking a problem-free child is neither realistic nor ideal.
It sounds like this family might have been unprepared or even uninformed, going in with good intentions and simply being overwhelmed. Regardless, their response and their reckless labeling of this child is what angers me the most.
It is really sad that eve if a child has a ilness like diabetis which can be controlled , they are dismissed for adoption. While it is very important to have afamily for healthy children it is even more mportant for children who have a dissability!
I do not blame the women though, as we do not exactly know why she did what she did. Roger 7 year old can already be uncontrolable dangerous. I have seen young children(especially young boys) who already are so violent they cannot live at home. It is already hard to put up with such thing if it the child is biological, not to mention if the child is adopted.
If a adoptive child gets physically ill later on in life, adoptive parents will not blame the child an put up with that but if the child behaves cruel, dangerous etc that is just too much.
I don t think it is the fault of people that they want a perfect child. IF your child is disabled or even maybe not perfect looking and very intelligent, society has it ways of making people feel ashamed.
Also the government does provide enough financial support to parents with mentally or physically disabled children.
Disabled children and their parents deserve social and financial support so they can make the best of their situation. I firmly believe that this is one of the things where tax money should be used for in the first place.
After all the bible says that those of us who are lucky should help out the people who are less lucky in their lives.
does NOT>
Having seen a number of young children (as young as 4!) brought to the ER by parents who feel unable to cope I am not surprised that this happened. However, any adult who is unable to control/discipline a child under the age of 10 is an adult that should not have kids in the first place. Without resorting to abusive or or cruel behaviors small children can be *physically* controlled. And children who are out of control should be. Children need discipline so that they learn self-discipline. Those who grow up without learning self-discipline often end up in an ER or jail getting *physically* controlled. It is much better to learn self-control at an early age.
When lacking information or perspective, ask questions. I wouldn’t feel disgust if this damn woman had taken her child to a pediatrician, therapist, family therapist, or just asked an experienced parent for advice. She “parented” Artyom for less than a year, during which she called him by another name. How on earth can you pin a note to a kid stating that you, “no longer wish to parent this child”?!??! I guess this hickish wench was out foxed by a 7 year old. He pushed her to abandon him, to do what everyone else had and she didn’t have the sense nor the emotional fortitude to ride it out and help him to grow into a healthy, productive adult. Maybe a pitchfork wielding mob will carry out Artyom’s threat to burn down her house.
@Jon.you are right, usually if children are brought up well, they are easy to handle. But this boy as you said was already 5 or 6 years old when he was adopted.
Unfortunately if they have not learned how to behave yet and are already violent, that is going to be very difficult to change, especially if it is a boy!
Also kids like this boy , they try to drive people nuts, because they think everyone will leave them so they try this out to see if the person really loves them.
I still think it is entirely unfair to judge the parents. She wanted to do a good thing and I am sure she tried, but sometimes it just does not work out well. She just made a wrong judgement call, all parents do sometimes! Children are not perfect neither are parents
Catherine- thanks for pointing out yet another reckless use of language on the part of Torry Hansen: “I no longer wish to parent this child.” Not “I cannot” or “I am unable” but “I no longer wish.” Even if the ‘cannots’ and ‘unable to’s’ are euphemisms, they’re better than simply stating “I don’t want him.”
Further, she names her friends and herself as people she is concerned about in terms of safety. Her friends? How about just keeping the boy separate from friends until the crisis passes?
Not everyone is blessed with a strong command of his or her language, particularly in writing. I don’t mean to impugn this woman for not being more articulate or more exacting with her descriptions. She’s not an English major. Regardless, when penning a letter that seeks to explain such an extreme and weighty choice, one that could potentially add that much more trauma to a supposedly troubled boy’s young life, why not try harder? The Hansen’s went as far as to consult an attorney before abandoning this child. They should have followed through and had the letter much more carefully drafted, if just for their own sake. But more importantly for his.
@ Roger, So you wish this women is prosecuted ?
She made a misstake, that s all.
Parents make little misstakes all the time, when you have a child someday you will notice that….
She got lucky The boy is still alive so a sorry is enough. If the boy died that would be another case.
I do not thin that the boy cares about what she wrote in that letter, he is 7 and is barely able to read it.
@Roger, She probably did seek help! But it is very common for doctors etc. to not take it as seriously or it takes a long time due to bureacracy before the child receives any help at all.
This happens every year to a lot of parents and children who really need help but unless it is real emergency it takes a long time before thye can start treatment
Whether she should be prosecuted depends completely on legal determinations that I can’t make with the facts I have. What’s clear to me is only that she made choices that are, in my view, objectively indefensible, period. ‘Sorry’ isn’t enough as far as I’m concerned (and by the way, I haven’t even heard it yet from anyone in the Hansen family). Of course, if no laws were broken, then ’sorry,’ if it ever comes out, will have to suffice. But that remains to be seen.
As for the effect of the letter on the boy, it might not matter now, but he’ll become starkly aware of it when he’s older. The bigger picture is that this one family’s actions have suspended a process that does enrich and improve the lives of hundreds of Russian orphans every year. Now that process can’t work because the Russian people see our intentions with adoption as somewhere between cynical and feckless. She (Torry Hansen) has done a tremendous amount of damage, and most of it could have been avoided, even if her ultimate decision was that she couldn’t parent the child.
Honestly if the russian people think that because miss Hanssen was not capable of being a parent for a particular boy, all americans are not honest and caring, that is narrow minded. Besides they have no right in the world to judge miss hanssen nor other americans because obviously a lot of russian children need new parents because a lot russians themselves are not capable of raising a child at all and usually dump the child in bad orphanages!!!
I wonder if miss hanssen got her money back, that she paid for adopting him. I am quessing not.
Very well written! Thank you for that – it was a good read. I adopted my daughter from Kazakhstan and although I had very good luck with my process and have an angel child, it would be MY responsibility as her PARENT (adoption made me the legal parent) to take care of her no matter what bahaviors are/were displayed. I think this lady needs to be incarcerated for felony abandonment. Of course, this is only my opinion, but the boy is HER son. Once she adopted him, she took on the life long committment of raising him. SAD story.