Quite a few people in my business have seen the response by syndicated advice columnist Amy Dickinson to a young woman in Virginia (my home state) who unfortunately wrote Ms. Dickinson late last month for guidance after she was raped at a fraternity party, but under circumstances that made her feel as if she was to blame (wholly or at least in part) for what happened.
Basically, “Victim? In Virginia” attended a fraternity party, drank some alcohol, and was then talked into going into a bedroom by the guy who eventually raped her. She made it clear to him that she didn’t want to have sex, and made him promise that he wouldn’t attempt sex with her.
An unwise move? Probably, but not necessarily inappropriate for the age and life experience this woman apparently had to work with, particularly under the fog of alcohol. Not surprisingly, once this rapist had her behind closed doors, all bets were off as far as he was concerned, and he raped her in a state of intoxication where she could scarcely figure out what was happening, let alone successfully resist.
Following this nightmare, “Victim?” reached out to Amy Dickinson. Ms. Dickinson might have meant well, but the cold fact is she displayed a dangerous lack of understanding as to the dynamics of non-stranger sexual assault in her answer, not to mention how to counsel and advise a survivor of such an experience. Her biggest missteps, in my view, were these:
1. She began her her response to this victim by chastising her for “awful judgment,” reminding her that, after all, going to a fraternity party and getting drunk is really inviting what Dickinson describes as the possibility of “engaging in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.”
It ought to be axiomatic that “unwise” and “unwanted” aren’t the same thing. Last I checked, after all, one does not “engage” in unwanted sexual contact any more than one “engages” in being robbed at knife point. Conflating these two things- unwise and unwanted sexual contact, exposes Dickinson’s bias against young women who make choices she finds repugnant.
2. She noted that the victim didn’t say whether or not her rapist was “also drunk.” Because, she says, “if so, his judgment was also impaired.”
Sigh.
I’m sorry, but I’m choking on this. It’s because frankly I know what I’m talking about, and a syndicated advice columnist clearly doesn’t. Rape doesn’t come out of a bottle, folks. Claiming that this guy’s alcohol impaired judgment somehow brought forth this act is akin to saying that a gun found on the sidewalk turned a normally law-abiding citizen into a rampaging murderer. Alcohol doesn’t create the desire to commit acts like rape. It only loosens the chains that might hold a sober rapist back for fear of taking the risk of something like getting caught. The guy who did this is a rapist. He was a rapist at .00 BAC, and he was a rapist at whatever level he obtained before he committed the act. (And incidentally, if he was truly so intoxicated as to be somehow delusional, he wouldn’t be able to obtain or maintain an erection and complete the act.)
3. Ms. Dickinson counsels the victim to seek out the truth of her victimization by involving ”the guy in question to determine what happened.” This is terrific. Involving the rapist- the guy who has already lied to this girl repeatedly and violated her- in determining “what happened” is not only futile but toxic. Dickinson appears to buy into the myth that accidents happen, boys will be boys, and drunken sex will sometimes look and feel a lot like rape even though it’s really no one’s fault.
Nonsense. Rape isn’t an accident, and there isn’t an accidental rapist lurking in every boy or man. Rather, good and recent research suggests that there are relatively few men who are capable of rape, but they do it over and over again. This truism is one that -finally- Ms. Dickinson recognizes when she notes “he might have done this before.” But she appears to believe that what he’s done or what he’ll do again is at least half the other party’s fault. And worse, that a good heart to heart with one of his victims might help avoid this kind of behavior in the future.
No, ma’am. A guy might be a dog. He might be a player. He might be a cad. But unless he’s a rapist, he’ll recognize terror, struggling, semi-consciousness and the simple word “no” (which this victim reports telling him many times) for what they are: Signs that, to quote Susan Serandon from Thelma and Louise, ”she ain’t having fun.” This guy ignored those signs, because unlike most guys, (and like all rapists) he doesn’t give a damn what his prey is feeling. What she wants, after all, really isn’t the point.
A great group of anti-sexual assault professionals I’m a member of called CounterQuo suggested that I write a response to the papers where she’s syndicated, and thankfully some very good editors at CQ toned it down and added some great points. If it makes some difference and serves to educate Ms. Dickinson, we’ll have done a day’s work. BTW, check out CounterQuo- we’re changing the conversation.
© 2009 – 2010, Roger Canaff. All rights reserved.
Roger, while I agree with many of your criticisms of Amy’s response, I’d like to play devil’s advocate in a few respects. “Victim?” wrote into a widely read publication for advice about a situation that is unfortunately all too common. Amy isn’t giving confidential advice in her responses, but is writing a response that will be read by not only the person who posed the question but also by many other readers. Many of these readers may find themselves in the same situation describd by “Victim?” or may have sisters, daughters, cousins, nieces or friends who may confront the same situation. Amy is absolutely right to encourage her readers to avoid the situation “Victim?” put herself in. What’s wrong with people using good judgment to avoid their own victimization? I’m not just talking about acquaintance rape situations, but any situation that may lead one to fall victim to crime. People leave valuables visible in their cars – they get stolen. People stagger out of bars late at night and walk alone to their cars – they get robbed. People leave their doors unlocked – their homes get burglarized. But it’s taboo to talk to young women about how to avoid sexual victimization? It shouldn’t be. As a woman who has a step-daughter who will be a freshman in college in 8 months, I certainly hope she would read “Victim?”’s inquiry and Amy’s response and take a lesson from it: first and foremost, don’t get drunk at a party and separate from your friends! And second, don’t get drunk and go into a bedroom w/ a strange male. Every opportunity the media has to get that message out should be taken, not avoided.
Molly, as the person who taught me how to prosecute sex crimes, it’s fitting and greatly welcomed that you’re the first person to post a comment here.
I agree with you in many respects. First, Victim? did not seek confidential advice, and Amy Dickinson is not obliged to provide it. Second, we are all responsible to some extent for our own personal safety, and I agree that women and all potential victims of any crime should be taught to be vigilant and to use good judgment. This includes potential victims of sex crimes. There are certainly things women (and men) can and should do to reduce their risk of being victimized.
I remember when John Jay College of Criminal Justice Student Imette Guillen was murdered in 2006- I was an ADA in the Bronx at the time. One of the things that struck my friends and I (many of whom grew up in the city) was that this young woman’s friend had apparently left her near the bar outside of which she was abducted and killed sometime after 4:00 a.m. The friend, wanting to leave when Imette wanted to stay, apparently left her alone and drunk on a Soho street. Soho is a great neighborhood and not known for much violent crime, but New York is not Disneyland- despite the amazing reduction in crime since the 80’s. I can only imagine what her friend is still going through with regard to their decisions that night, and I don’t mean to pick on her. The point is that, in the New York we grew up in (late 70’s, early 80’s) it would have been unthinkable for a young woman to be left by a friend alone, particularly after midnight and after drinking. The city was way too dangerous and we knew it. Now, people have been lulled into a false sense of security in places like New York, and in many other environments as well.
Likewise, I’ve seen well intentioned efforts from anti sexual assault groups that do things like distribute bar napkins in social spots to warm women of the danger of ‘date rape drugs.’ That’s noble, but alcohol is by far the most widely and easily wielded ‘date rape drug.’ Potential victims also need to be reminded that drinking to serious excess can compromise their ability to protect themselves as well. So while a “safe drink” is good thing to be sure of, sometimes “less drinks” are also advisable.
So I’m not at all against providing sound advice on how to keep oneself safe, even if the advice seems pedantic or even harsh at times. But still- advice like that should be meted out sincerely, carefully and in measured tones to a victim of sexual assault (even a questioning victim) no matter what the circumstances.
My quarrel with Ms. Dickinson is more about the dangerously inaccurate assertions she made regarding sexual violence and the appropriate response to it. Dickinson conflates “unwise” sexual contact with “unwanted” sexual contact, as if making a mistake and engaging in perhaps foolish but consensual sex is the same thing as being forced into sex in a semi-conscious state. This is particularly dangerous because it invites a very common and dangerous misconception about non-stranger rape: That misunderstandings, fueled by alcohol, can produce tragic consequences to two otherwise well-intentioned people. It’s very tempting, especially for jurors, to write off a rape as a failure of communication- particularly when the rapist is a clean cut, college kid who the jurors can identify with. However, good and recent research suggests that rape is not the product of a misunderstanding or some unplanned cocktail of lust and liquor on the part of an otherwise good guy. Rather, in most cases, rapists like the one described by Victim? plan and premeditate their attacks, and use alcohol as a weapon. I obviously can’t say for sure, but I’d be willing to bet that the guy in her case knew exactly what he was doing, has done it before and will do it again. I’m quite sure, if I’m right, that he doesn’t consider himself a rapist and would be surprised if Victim? were ever to report him. I’m sure he doesn’t suffer consequences for how he views his own sexuality and those of his victims. But the fact is, most likely, he’s disordered, cruel, and will scar the lives of many other women before he’s through. Or before someone finally reports the case and it falls into the hands of a good investigation/prosecution/advocacy team.
The characteristics that most rapists share (this guy also, I’d bet) are why I take issue with Amy’s suggestion to 1) consider how drunk he was, and 2) to involve him in the process of determining “what happened.” He knows what happened. He meant for it to happen. He won’t be enlightened by a heart to heart with the person he raped. She’s nothing to him other than another dull conquest. She, however, may very well be undermined in her efforts to heal herself and feel whole again when she’s subjected, in some sort of mediation environment, to whatever b.s. he’ll spew about how she really was perfectly fine and he really was-despite her intuition, memory and sense of right and wrong- a good guy.
Thanks again, Molly, for responding. My very best wishes for a great college career to Irv’s lovely daughter, btw.